Note – since I’m currently at my mother in law’s breakfast table, this is a quickie Top 10. In honor of President’s Day, these are the Top 10 Presidents, real or fictional, that I’d want to have by my side in a bar fight. 

10. WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT

Every crew needs a big man, and Taft tipped the scales at around 3 bills – at a time when being 300 pounds was notable. There’s a rumor that Taft even got stuck in a White House bathtub. Not only can Taft move some bodies around in a fight, but you can roast him once the fight is over too.

9. GEORGE WASHINGTON

A little low for the father of our country? Perhaps. GW was about 6’ 4”, and had the army background. But I’m a little creeped out by hanging with a dude that has false teeth if we’re being 100% honest. This is more of a respect pick than anything.

8. JAMES MARSHALL (HARRISON FORD IN AIR FORCE ONE)

I mean it’s tough to beat “GET OFF MY PLANE” and taking out a bunch of terrorists, right? Not sure we’re allowed to bring guns to the bar but that’s neither here nor there.

7. LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON

Yes, his Bunghole Needs Room and he seems to be way too concerned about pants . But I need a guy that can swear like LBJ does. And being a Texan, you know he has bar fight experience.  

6. THOMAS J WHITMORE (FROM INDEPENDENCE DAY)

No, we’re not bringing F-18’s to the fight, but there will come a point where things look bleak, and we’re going to need an inspirational speech. WE WON’T GIVE UP WITHOUT A FIGHT!

5. JOHN FITZGERALD KENNNEDY

Sure JFK had a bad back and probably would be useless in the actual fight. But he’d pick up the tab, and he’s a hit with the ladies. Get in the car, Jack (too soon?).

4. ANDREW JACKSON

Jackson is a terrible human being, but sometimes you need a guy that’s willing to go Way Too Far. Jackson fought and won the Battle of New Orleans in the War of 1812 after the peace treaty had already been ratified. You need that guy that’s still trying to fight the cops after the bar fight is over so you can all move on to the next bar.

3. TEDDY ROOSEVELT

Despite having the Teddy Bear named after him, Teddy Roosevelt was a legit badass. He VOLUNTEERED to go fight in the Spanish American War, despite already being 40, which in 1898 was like being 120. Teddy had trauma too (his wife AND mother died on Valentine’s Day of the same year, yikes), so he has the inner fuel to kick ass when he needs it.

2. ABRAHAM LINCOLN

6’ 5”, all lanky and impossible to deal with, especially if he gets you on the ground, since he was a bona fide grappler. Just don’t go to the movies with him after the bar.

1. DWAYNE ELIZONDO MOUNTAIN DEW HERBERT CAMACHO (FROM IDIOCRACY)

This is pretty much what we have now, only we have a fat old guy with tiny hands instead of Terry Crews. But in a fight, gotta have that unreasonable dude who doesn’t care much about knowing things.

ALSO RECEIVING VOTES: Quentin Trembley III Esq (bonus points if you get that one), Harry Truman (you know he’d end the fight…), Gaius Baltar, Barack Obama